by Do Bich Thuy
It was quite a long time, possibly a year, that she hadn’t been seen in a crowd. First it was her pregnancy, and then the birth of her daughter and the six months after that had kept her from joining any gathering. She did not feel her natural self with her big belly. Being with child, she was always sick and tired because of the insomnia, and she was not able to wear anything beautiful. After she gave birth, her mother-in-law had asked her to go on a diet by abstaining from all food. She had even been confined to her room for the first three months. Then, whenever she went out she had to fill her ears with cotton and cover herself with a shawl. Having looked at herself in the mirror she found herself to be so pale and skinny, quite different from her once stout self.
There was going to be a meeting today at her office with a lot of VIPs in attendance. She and two other girls had been asked by the boss to stand at the gate to welcome guests. She was turning around, looking at herself in the mirror after getting ready for the day. She had slightly rosy cheeks from the light make-up she used. She wore a strawberry-coloured knee-length skirt. Her husband was still sound sleep, as he had sat up late working on his laptop.
He was always sitting up late these days. Their life had changed very little since they had the baby, except that now the baby was always between them while sleeping. Everything else was normal. However, she recently happened to see his email, she noticed that the same strange email address made up two thirds of all the messages in the box. She had hesitated for some time before switching off the machine. It was her habit to show respect to her husband, and she had never even read any of his mobile phone messages.
After her discovery she was unable to sleep a wink when her husband worked on his laptop late into the night, that list of messages appearing in her mind’s eye. A girl’s name. Who was it? Who had sent so many messages? Was there something that the girl could not say in words, but had to express them through email? She herself had set up the email address for her husband and used her birthday as the password. Her husband knew very well that she knew the password, so why did they still communicate with each other through that address? Because he believed that she would never open it or because these messages were nothing to hide.
Her husband worked in a construction design company, so he had to use the laptop all day for work, but he still sat there in his room every night, checking his mail or other things while she lay in the dark. Once she made a glass of hot milk and intended to enter the room without his notice, just to see with her own eyes what he was doing. But in the end, she only stood there, outside the door without having the guts to do it. Because she felt so ashamed and guilty; either she did not believe he would betray her or she could not do it for fear that she would be faced with a terrible truth.
But she would never know. For the second time, she brought him a glass of hot milk. Her hands were trembling. "Why are you trembling so much? What’s that for?" she asked herself in silence. So she pushed the door open slightly, without making any noise.
He was there on the grey swivel chair, snoring with his head down on the desk. It seemed that he was dead tired. His hand was still on the mouse. The screen was still on, with the screensaver – those red hearts racing across the screen like a crawling snake, which separated, now jumped, all helter skelter. She was standing there, hesitating behind him. Then she put the glass of milk softly down on the desk, covered it with a book and tip-toed out of the room.
She did not sleep that night. Her daughter was sleeping with her face pressed against her mother’s chest. Yet, every so often, the little girl would stretch out her arm to feel for her father. So she placed a pillow there just in case. She loved her small family, her husband and her daughter. It was a love so simple, a secret treasure in her life. Her colleagues sometimes nudged her, saying that if her husband had a love affair she would not get jealous and go wild against her opponent. Having heard it, she only smiled. She had never been in that situation to know her response to it.
The skirt she was wearing was bought on a shopping spree with her friend. It was quite form fitting and hugged to her figure. After giving birth, she was much prettier and more inviting than before, with smooth skin and a tender body. She looked at herself in the mirror and heaved a deep sigh when her husband’s snoring became louder than usual. Her little daughter woke up. As usual, when she was getting ready for work, her daughter would awaken while her husband was still enjoying sound sleep with his arms wrapped around the little girl.
"Be a good girl, my dear! I must go to work now!"
The girl’s mouth quivered as if she were about to cry. She gave the little one a red wedding invitation to calm her down because her daughter liked the colour. The invitation card was from a bride and bridegroom who had gotten married the week before. Her whole family had attended the wedding ceremony. Her daughter was excited about the trip she took with her parents to the wedding. She cried with joy all the way to the hotel. But as soon as they had arrived, her daughter had fallen asleep. Soon after she cried and buried her face in her mother’s breasts. She took her to a corner to breastfeed her. Then she passed by her husband’s seat, giving him a slight elbow nudge and a signal that he should meet her at the door. But he seemed not to understand. He continued to sit there, gulping down three glasses of beer at a time. She wondered when he had adopted that bad habit. He used to drink only one glass, he was not a boozer at all.
What if she had often shown pity and concern for him when he got home late, thinking that he had been working hard for the family? What if now it turned out that he had been out carousing somewhere without her notice, falling into a lousy beer drinking habit? And then those email messages appeared in his inbox, right before her very eyes. She began to feel irritated, looking inside in hopes that he would turn to her when he felt her eyes boring into him in pain. Yet, he still continued to eat the wedding feast. She felt ashamed, quickly taking out her phone to call a taxi.
At 2pm, he strongly pushed the door wide open and rushed into the house like a mad man:
"What’s the matter with you? I’ve been looking for you everywhere, afraid that the two of you had fallen down somewhere...," he shouted while undoing his tie.
"You see, you’re walking into the house with your shoes on!" she said sulkily.
"You... you’re so terrible! You’ve brought our daughter home with no reason and left me alone there. Why?"
"But you were still fully engaged in drinking and eating when I left, you know?"
"It’s because of you, you see! Now you’ve had enough of sitting behind me on a motorbike and you want to take a taxi, don’t you? I know I’m not a successful bread winner for the family like others, while you..."
"Stop it! How long have you wanted to play that nasty trick on me?"
"But why... why did you leave me behind without a word?"
"Do go and ask your laptop!" slipped off her tongue.
Her husband was rolling his eyes in great surprise.
The next day, and the day after next, they both wore sullen faces without saying a word to each other. Each time in the past, when things like this happened, he had been the first to make peace with her, but now she waited and waited and he did nothing about it. One day she decided to go to his office during working hours just to see if he was there, or if he had gone to carouse somewhere as she expected. He was in his office, working on his laptop. He always looked smart with his foreign-made tie. Was he checking for emails from a certain Miss Do Le Hien. The girl sitting at a desk by the window saw her standing there, hesitating whether to go in.
"Who would you like to see?"
"Oh, no, I’m at the wrong room." She was confused, quickly leaving and feeling very irritated.
Later on the way to work, as she went down the staircase to the parking area in search of her motorbike, some of her female neighbours looked after her in envy. One of them asked her: "How did you get in such good shape so soon after giving birth?"
She only smiled, saying nothing. Some of the guys sitting at the nearby tea shop followed her walk with dying desire. So why didn’t her husband see it? she thought to herself.
The email address with the name dolehien, Do Le Hien, appeared again in her mind. So who was she? How old was she? What was her job? Was she beautiful? Skilled or clumsy? She must be beautiful and skillful because her husband disliked ugly, clumsy women. Did she wear beautiful things? Was she fashionable?
It turned out to be a big meeting, with a lot of guests arriving throughout the morning. When it was over, a number of guests were invited to a restaurant. She was actually afraid of these parties because she was always dead tired afterwards. There were around thirty people at the party, including the hosts and guests. She hardly had time to eat anything because she had to be sure all the guests had everything they needed.
"This is Mr Hai, a new deputy director at Company X. He wants to raise a toast to you," said her boss suddenly as he introduced the guest.
"I’m sorry, but I can’t."
"Why not? Are you afraid of your husband at home?"
"Oh, no... but because I...," she mumbled, intending to say that she was breastfeeding her baby so she could not drink.
But the glint of Mr Hai’s eyes seemed to be giving her an order, so she was forced to take the cup and bottomed up with him. Again, it was that same glint. Her hands began to tremble. She told herself to calm down. She was a married woman and a mother, why did she have to get so frightened? The wine made her cheeks rosy. Hai’s gaze was following her. Everywhere she moved in the room, she felt his eyes following her. It seemed that his gaze was burning into her back.
On the way home that afternoon, she could feel the effects of the liquor, so she slowed down her motorbike. The skirt she was wearing looked good and she was in an excited mood. She arrived at home, feeling that many eyes were observing her closely from the windows. She really did look different today. She quickly climbed upstairs, went into her room, closed the door, took off her shoes and skirt, and put on a house dress, feeling great and relaxed. She went to pick up her baby from day care and then to the market to buy food for dinner. In the doorway she stopped to look at herself in the mirror. She found that she had returned to her normal self.
An internet card fell to the floor as she closed the door. Her husband had probably just bought it, she thought. After picking it up she hesitated for a moment and went into her husband’s room, turned on the laptop and opened his email. At just that moment a mobile phone rang. Her husband had forgotten his that morning. She answered.
"Hi, I’m sorry, may I speak with Mr Kien?"
"Oh, my husband has gone to work and left his phone at home. Would you like to leave a message for him?"
"Please, tell him that Mr Hien has just arrived from Sai Gon. Please have him phone me when he gets home."
"What is your name again?
"Oh, my name is Hien"
"Is it Do...?"
"Yes, Do Le Hien. So it turns out that your husband has told you about me. You both are so wonderful..."
She wanted to yell, to embrace her husband’s neck and pull him down on the sofa. She had been a hair’s breath away from drinking that whole cup of liquor at the party, not just half. If her baby went hungry because she could not breastfeed, her husband would bear all the inconveniences.
She took the basket and went out the door, taking two steps the stairs at a time.
(from Viet Nam News)
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